“...but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles” 1 Corinthians 1:23
I do not remember when exactly that I started watching pornography. I do remember that perhaps from as young as the age of six or seven I had an interest in sexuality. Pornography eventually reduced me to nothing more than a mere animal. In my quest to please myself I have inflicted deep wounds on women, destroyed friendships and injured my own soul. The consequences have been severe.
I have always hated pornography. At least some part of my soul hated it. Perhaps the same part of my soul that loves and believes in God. Yet, I also loved pornography. I considered it beautiful and right. Pornography was good and pleasurable. And so there was this internal contradiction within myself. Much the same as what Paul describes: “For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing” [Romans 7:19]
I do not believe in freewill today, although if you had asked me five years ago I would have taken it as a given. Nothing about me was free as a youth. On the contrary: “Jesus replied, "I tell you the truth, everyone who sins is a slave to sin” [John 8:34]. If I had freewill, then I could have stopped loving pornography, and yet in my heart I loved it. My heart was ever inclined towards pornography – thus I was not free – and this fact fills the loving Creator with pain.
What freedom can a man claim if he is still a slave to sin? What fool believes he is free while his enemy parades him through the street in chains and the crowds jeer and laugh at him?
As I grew older I became more and more desperate to rid myself of sin. I wanted to cast it all off and serve God with my whole heart. I wanted a solution. This is when I learned about the “Victorious Christian Life” as I heard a local pastor coin it recently.
“Jesus wants to set you free tonight – come up and pray with someone and Jesus will set you free tonight”
“Could this be true?” I thought to myself. Truly, I believed in the power of God to set people free!
So, up to the front I would go and confess my struggle with pornography to a youth leader. Then they would pray for me and I would go home. At first I might have lasted a week. Then perhaps I might last a few days. Finally it got to the point where I literally only lasted a few hours. Why did it just get worse and worse for me?
This became a cycle of sin, shame and defeat. And worse yet I began to believe that God didn’t really care about me. After all, a few other young men were held up as examples of Christians that were “on fire for Jesus,” who had attained the victory that I sought so desperately. I looked to them like idols. I wanted to be free like them. Certainly, either God has listened to their prayers for freedom and disregarded mine, or perhaps I wasn’t trying hard enough? I decided that it was because I wasn’t trying hard enough.
“Come up to the front, confess your sins, if you take this step of faith, God will set you free tonight.”
So up to the front I went again, but this time was different. I confessed that I struggled with pornography in front of 200 young people. In the crowd were many of my non-Christian friends who looked at me like I was crazy.
“Surely God will see how serious I am!”
I was instantly a hero. I remember several youth leaders approaching me and telling me that I was their hero. It felt good. Finally, I did it. I did what I needed to do.
Two weeks later I watched pornography again.
That was the last time I went up to the front. If God would not accept my sacrifice then why bother?
Slowly my heart became cold. So cold that years later when my niece was born I had to pretend that I cared. My faith and love had died. Yet I stuck around for a few more years. I became an intern youth leader and taught Sunday school for a little while during this time. I felt like such a hypocrite because I knew in my heart that I didn’t believe it anymore. I eventually abandoned both these positions and any positive influence I might have on kids. I didn’t even tell them I was leaving. I couldn’t face anyone. All I felt was shame.
In Korea I met a young man named Derek. Derek invited me to his Bible study. You see Jesus will never surrender one of his sheep to the darkness. “For I shall lose none of all that he has given me, but raise them up at the last day” - Jesus
Derek gave me a copy of Martin Luther’s “The Freedom of a Christian.” He told me I could probably relate to it. I put off reading it for some time. Finally I picked it up one day and started to read.
“They have made of Christ a taskmaster far harsher than Moses.” – Martin Luther.
Luther viciously attacked those who tried to obtain God’s favor in the way that I had tried so hard as a youth. Luther argued with the depths of my soul. He desperately tried to convince me that the "Victorious Christian Life" I had believed in as a youth was a lie.
Instead Luther said to me: “No! Put your faith in Christ! Cling to the cross on which he died! Accept in your heart that his death, and his blood, is sufficient to cover all your sins! Let Christ be your righteousness! Let Christ be your victory! Though you say unto God a thousand times that you will be a better man – you will always fail to achieve it! So then, do not make any such empty promises. Cleave yourself to the promise of God instead! When Satan comes and reminds you of how wretched you are – cling to the cross and answer him: ‘Christ is my righteousness! I believed him, therefore, I have already overcome the world through him! I have crossed over from death to life!’”
Faith in Christ – not obedience unto the law – is the true victorious Christian life.
You see, the reason God could not accept my sacrifice was because he had already prepared a sacrifice for me – one so great that it shook the foundations of the world. For when Christ died on the cross, the veil that separated God from man was torn violently in two. Christ’s sacrifice is enough to cover all my sins.
It has taken Jesus three years to convince my soul of this simple fact. Although I have not watched pornography in a long while, I still am tempted by it daily until despairing. But, I know that even if I do sin tomorrow or even in a few hours – I have an advocate on high who intercedes for me always – offering a sacrifice that is enough to satisfy God – therefore it is enough to satisfy me.
“When Satan tempts me to despair and tells me of the guilt within - upward I look and see Him there who made an end to all my sin.”
The freedom I tried to obtain as a youth was counterfeit. It was not the freedom that comes with faith in Christ. The freedom I have now surpasses any “freedom” that a man may believe he has.
In the past I counted the number of days since I had watched pornography. I was so proud of myself. Today I count on the blood of Christ.
What about those who did overcome their sins– not by faith – but by sight? I do not judge them. The Gospel is available to them as well. I say to such people: lay your counterfeit righteousness at the feet of Jesus – it is not sufficient. Take up instead the banner of faith and declare to the world that the death and resurrection of Christ is enough for your justification! In Christ alone you are righteous and victorious. There is no victory apart from faith.
I pray that you would believe in your heart – that no matter how sinful you may be – Christ’s blood is enough for God. If it is enough for Him – who are you – oh little man – to say: “It is not good enough for me?”
“Then Jesus said to him, "See that you don't tell anyone. But go, show yourself to the priest and offer the gift Moses commanded, as a testimony to them." Matthew 8:4
I present myself to you as a testimony of the power of the blood of Jesus. The priests could not offer me any solution for my sins. All those trips up to the altar (as it is actually called an “altar call”) where I offered my sacrifices were meaningless and counter-productive. In the past I stumbled over the stumbling stone or like gentiles I looked to the cross as foolishness. I was dumbstruck by the cross and perplexed as to its meaning. But, today I stand because Christ is able to make me stand.
I know that many of you share the same experience as me. You have tried, perhaps for a decade or more, as I did, to overcome a particular sin. You have hated and despised yourself as I did. You tried accountability partners, attended Bible camps, sought help, and you read your Bible religiously because you believed these were a solution. You made lots of promises –you broke them all.
Like Martin Luther, I plead with your soul here today: His grace is sufficient for you.
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